13 Jul

The Purge

“Just remember all the good the Purge does.”

– Mary Sandin

The Setup

The following is a minute-by-minute accounting of the 2018 Purge (not to be confused with the 2018 film The First Purge that just came out). The 2018 Purge was notable for Munch because they did a purge of their own – they detoxed and purged their bodies of toxins with the help of a lot of green stuff, lemons, and Gwyneth Paltrow. This is the first known occurrence of what has become known as The Purge².

The names have been changed to respect the privacy of the parties involved.

The Purge

0:00 – The Purge begins. Lock the doors and lock the fridge, we’ve got everything we need already. We don’t need the temptation of the leftover lasagna and it’s plethora of carbs and cheese and salt and fat.

0:05 – The lemon water is a nice warm up. The fact that it’s warm actually makes it more tolerable. It doesn’t taste great, but we all know the benefits lemon has to offer. It will be worth it.

0:37 – Just saw our first lawbreaker of the night – Jimmy, from down the street, smashed the windows on the Audi outside. Can’t tell if it’s random destruction or if he has a problem with the owner of that Audi.

1:12 – With the lemon water finally down, we prepare for our first “meal” of the day – an arugula smoothie. It’s just arugula, an apple, and a banana. It’s fine.

1:52 – The arugula smoothie didn’t really take the edge off so we busted out the strawberries and blueberries we got for snacks. We are newbies to The Purge so we assumed they were safe.

2:02 – Had to put the fruit away after putting too much of it down too fast. These blueberries have to last us 10 more hours.

2:57 – Tonya went out to get her mail, and we saw her take her neighbor’s mail too, including an Amazon package. Amazon really shouldn’t deliver during The Purge. Customer Service is going to have a nightmare of a day tomorrow dealing with all those stolen packages.

2:58 – Does Amazon have to refund or replace a package that’s stolen during The Purge? Maybe they’re supposed to, but they can break the law on The Purge too and not refund you.

2:59 – Okay, but what if you report your stolen package the next day? Amazon can no longer break the law and not return your package, right? But if the package was stolen during The Purge, does that make it okay? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

3:03 – Maybe next year I’ll order something small and plan to have it arrive during The Purge so I can test it out. I have had my eye on The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause action game for the Gameboy Advanced based on the hit Disney classic that only costs $0.01 for a while now.

4:02 – It is entirely too early to start thinking about lunch, but that doesn’t stop me.

4:32 – I have not stopped thinking about lunch.

4:38 – We made Gwyneth Paltrows Goop Soup for lunch. It tastes about as appetizing as it sounds. Not a big surprise, considering it’s just blended broccoli, onions, arugula, and lemon. Tip: add extra arugula for an extra “kick.”

4:42 – We have been making no progress on the Goop Soup with the spoon so we gulped the whole thing down like the milk at the bottom of your cereal bowl. Rip that band-aid off.

6:00 – Halfway through The Purge, 3/4 through the food. Hungrier than when we started. This does not bode well.

6:16 – It is entirely too early to start thinking about dinner.

6:50 – Jimmy came back out and pissed in the broken window of the Audi. We are now convinced Jimmy has personal beef with the Audi owner.

6:52 – Some guy I don’t recognize grabbed Jimmy and slammed him against the broken glass of the window. He’s bleeding everywhere.

6:58 – On the bright side, my appetite is gone.

7:12 – That didn’t last long. My appetite is back with a vengeance. Dinner time.

7:18 – Ben taught us a new word – en papillote. It means ‘in paper’ in French. We are making little packets of cod, asparagus, spring onions, and soy sauce (light sodium, don’t worry) out of parchment paper.

8:08 – Cod comes out of the oven. Each of us only got about 3 bites of cod. It is delicious and the first real food we’ve had all day and entirely not enough.

8:32 – Out of berries. No food for the next 3.5 hours. God have mercy on our souls.

9:24 – Things are really heating up outside. Jada went to check her mailbox and found out her Amazon package was missing. She looked over at Tonya and saw her gardening with new shears. Jada heads over to Tonya’s with anger in her eyes.

9:26 – From what we can gather, Jada had ordered the shears and Tonya had the audacity to not only steal them but to garden with them.

9:28 – Oh God. Never seen shears used like that before.

10:03 – We close the window shades and turn off the lights and close out The Purge by watching The Purge, a horror film from 2013. This is a good idea.

10:11 – This movie is surprisingly intriguing. The premise is interesting and we actually want to see how it plays out.

10:14 – Damn, I wish I had that Purge Night set up. Ethan Hawke has 500 security cameras and walls of steel, all remote controlled. The only thing he’s missing is some Goop Soup.

10:21 – We are still on board and definitely interested in what is going to happen… but Lena Headey’s American accent is getting to us. Why couldn’t they just let her use her regular accent?

10:50 – The movie is quickly devolving into a home invasion movie and is losing track of the actual premise that got us interested in the movie. Also, I don’t like any of the characters any more. Ethan Hawk’s character is an ass and his kids are idiots. Stay in one room! Stop splitting up!

11:08 – Ethan Hawke has 500 security cameras outside of his house and 0 inside of his house. Seems like an oversight.

11:11 – This movie is shit.

11:20 – This is the only movie I’ve ever seen where there is no character growth but a lot of character regression. I thought I was interested in how their stories would play out, but they’re all trash.

11:28 – The Purge is only 85 minutes long? 15/10! Hollywood, please make more 85 minute movies! Everyone, vote with your dollars! Buy tickets for sub-90 minute films. Let them know this is the perfect length for a movie!

11:30 – Looked up The First Purge’s runtime: 1 hour 52 minutes. Boycott The First Purge.

We decided to visually document The Purge² so we could remember the hunger in our stomachs and the lemon burn in our mouths.

 The Reviews

André: 0/10 would not purge² again. This review is for the combination of purging and watching The Purge. I can’t think of a worse way to spend a Saturday. Detoxing was depressing – I like food too much to drink green goop all day and pretend I feel better afterwards. Sorry, body. And The Purge was just okay. I’ve always been interested in the premise, which I think is actually very smart and original, but the execution was terrible. They spent the first 30 minutes getting me psyched about all the different ways the movie might play out and what kinds of topics they might play with, and then wasted the last hour on following 4 idiots running around their house in the dark. There’s a big disconnect between the premise and the actual bulk of the movie, which left me extra disappointed.

Leanna: The Purge franchise is four movies in, and they still haven’t made the movie I actually want to watch. If you’re going to keep making these stupid movies, please make at least one that focuses on the lead up to The First Purge. Give me a whole movie that explains to me how things got so bad that the United States fell into the hands of new leadership that felt an annual day of lawlessness was the only way forward. I thought that’s what The First Purge would be, but it looks like you just remade the last two films but earlier on in the age of The Purge. This movie’s biggest strength is its premise and yet its the least explored or developed aspect of the film.

Ben: 45%. The Purge is all premise and no actual follow through. The surprises the film has up its sleeve are incredibly muted and bland, not unlike the food we ate this day.