“The things I’m gonna do for my country…”
– Xander Cage
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The Setup
Something about the trailer for xXx: Return of Xander Cage really fired us up. Maybe it was the over the top stunts (or tricks, as they are known in the universe of xXx), maybe it was how badass Ruby Rose looked in it, or maybe it was just the delivery on the line, “Guns, girls, global domination.”
That line really resonated with us, though for reasons that had nothing to do with the trailer, so we’re going to get serious here for a second. This week has been tough for us, and as we look at the current and future state of our country, we’re not content with the way we treat girls, guns, or global domination. And we don’t see it getting better anytime soon.
In light of this, it is more important than ever to act, and so, this week, we’re running with the theme of “girls, guns, global domination” and dedicating our post and money to Planned Parenthood, The Coalition to Stop Gun Violence, and Earth Justice. These organizations are at the forefront of the fight and need your help now more than ever. There are more ways to give back that just monetarily and volunteering is also always helpful.
And don’t forget to take care of yourself. If you are feeling defeated it is okay to do something that makes you feel safe and comfortable. For us, that means ridiculous action movies, and this week, that means xXx.
The Meal
Guns.
We prefer our shooting in a well-controlled manner with solid background checks, so that is why we decided to go to Taylor Shellfish Farms to get the oysters for our first dish: Oyster Shooters. Top those tasty, briny oysters with some sliced cucumber, a bit of wasabi (we cannot stress the “a bit” part enough), and pour over some quality sake. Shoot a couple of these and you will feel great. Unless of course you don’t like oysters – in that case we can’t help you. Or if you put too much wasabi in it. We tried to warn you!
Girls.
Did you know that from the time an ovum (essentially an undeveloped yolk) leaves an ovary in a hen, it takes approximately 25 hours to reach a laying stage? Hot chicken facts. And unlike Gwyneth Paltrow’s jade eggs, the eggs coming out of a hen are actually good for you.
Inspired by the iconic Thinx ad campaign from a few years ago, we set out to create a dish that through the imagery of a poached egg yolk and red tomato sauce on top of a bed of creamy parmesan polenta would celebrate that treasured time of the month. Thinx’s bold campaign was a complete departure from the usual ads you see with cisgender women leaping through the air and spilling a mysterious blue liquid on a pad. Periods are red (or brown or pink or a range of other healthy colors not including blue). Periods can be painful. Periods can be messy. Half the people in the world have them and yet our society still makes you feel like it’s a dirty secret you have to hide and quietly manage on a regular basis. When we cracked the poached yolk open and let the goop spill free, it felt like a small tribute to those who advocate for diminishing the stigma and ignorance that surrounds menstruation. Okay, maybe that’s a little lofty for just cracking an egg open, but you get the idea.
This dish is best enjoyed while admiring all of the badass and inspiring women out there.
Global Domination.
For dessert, we just thought we’d do our own take on global domination but without the large, ethical, and humanitarian injustices that come with it. We bought some blue and green fondant, made ourselves some miniature cake globes, and then proceeded to dominate them by cutting slices out of them and, taking a page out of Galactus‘ book, devouring them.
We decided that global domination isn’t something we are that into and that we should fight against it. We blame the fondant. It looks cool but tastes kind of like gum. And you don’t want a layer of gum covering your cake.
The Drinks
While we were initially going to go with a Czech Mule, given the Prague locations this movie is shot in, the recent New Years celebrations (and probably a higher inclination to drink in recent months in general) has left local liquor stores bereft of Becherovka. This tasty beverage has a wonderful cardamom and cinnamon flavor that is ExXxTREME, and it is one of the easiest Czech liquors for us to get in the states. But it wasn’t meant to be this week, so we set out to find another drink to fit the bill.
Behold the Diesel! Equal parts beer and apple cider, this drink is a 100% needless attempt to make something more ExXxTREME than it needs to be. No need for you to try this any time soon, but because we are so ExXxTREME we did this for you.
The Rules
🏍 Drink during extreme sports sequences.
🐻 Drink during scenes when Vin wears “the coat.”
🎥 Drink when an action shot is replayed from multiple angles.
The Movie
xXx was fast and furious, though to lesser effect than The Fast and The Furious. Both movies toyed with the idea of a stunt/trick man being recruited by the law to infiltrate a criminal organization, but The Fast and The Furious really relished in the familial ties formed between the infiltrator and the gang he infiltrates, xXx essentially kept the criminals as the detestable, soulless criminal archetype most of the way through the movie. Yet again, another by-the-numbers action movie throws The Fast and The Furious in sharp relief.
That’s not to say that there was nothing to enjoy about xXx. The tricks were bona fide badass, and the director knew it. You know how you might rewind a movie to watch a really cool stunt again? With xXx, you didn’t have to. Each trick was shot from no less than three cameras and would be played over and over again from each camera just so the audience could see how cool the trick was from multiple angles. The decision was a bold one, but ultimately it paid off. It saves the viewer from having to rewind to rewatch a trick over and over, with the added benefit of a different view each time. Feel free to read those last lines with a little bit of sarcasm. ONLY A LITTLE BIT.
We also all loved the Bond jokes. There were multiple scenes that were clearly prods at the Bond franchise. Two that come to mind are the spy-gets-the-gadget-demo-from-the-quartermaster scene and spy-gets-a-new-car-and-knows-what-all-the-secret-buttons-do scene. xXx has a little fun with the car scene, though. Xander doesn’t actually know what all the buttons do and his co-pilot spends minutes flipping through the hand-written instruction book for the car trying to figure out how it works while Xander pushes buttons willy-nilly with mixed results. When we write it out, it doesn’t sound that great but that joke may have been the best and smartest one in the movie.
All in all, xXx was a pretty fun movie, and even though it couldn’t match up to The Fast and The Furious, the fact that it even merits a comparison is a high honor. We enjoyed our time in the xXx universe, and we are certainly interested in revisiting it in xXx: Return of Xander Cage. (Full disclosure: we’re just going to completely forget xXx: State of the Union ever happened.)
The Reviews
Andre: A little rough around the edges, but still fun to watch. I had pretty low expectations for xXx, but I should have trusted Vin Diesel to be able to put out a good action movie. He’s certainly the best part of the movie, but the subtle Bond references and jokes were also fun to watch. And most of the tricks were pretty cool too. Sure, I’m already forgetting details of the plot, and I’m not itching to watch it again anytime soon, but xXx succeeds at entertaining in the moment.
Leanna: ExXxtremely entertaining. As we said, it’s been a rough couple of weeks months, and xXx was the perfect escape from it all. Vin Diesel is perfectly cast, and it shows just in how much genuine fun he seems to be having in the film. He actually performed most of this own stunts/tricks, which just makes me feel like Vin is the real deal. He knows the characters he plays because it some way he is them or aspires to be as fearless and reckless as them. It was a fun watch, and that’s pretty much all there is too it.
Ben: 75%. I can totally and completely recognize that this is not a great film, but that doesn’t mean I can’t love it. It’s clearly a twist on the typical Bond formula that excels the most when it relies on what differentiates it from Bond: ExXxTREME Sports. All of the most memorable moments of this film are when Xander Cage is snowboarding, driving, skateboarding, or something of the ilk. Those moments are exhilarating and fresh and do the best job of turning Xander Cage into a legend. There is most definitely a tighter and stronger 90 minute film instead of the 124 minute slog this can be, and I say this because there is a specific scene of Xander Cage snowboarding away from an avalanche that is awesome, but also completely inconsequential to the plot. Without getting too heavy into the details, there are tonal shifts that seem incongruous with Xander’s character and are used as a means to add gravity to a scene, but has the result of making Xander seem uneven. But as I mentioned at the beginning, this is a film that would be middling if it were not for the sense of character the ExXxTREME sports adds to the film.
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